Another Political Outrage? Well Ain’t Grits Groceries?

First of all, if anyone at Fox News is reading this, I will be glad to leave your network for a lot less than $25M. Call me, maybe.

Now, everyone pick up those stones we just used on that dreaded villager named O’Reilly, because the next $hi^*storm of faux outrage is headed directly for…Attorney General Jeff Sessions.

Poor Jefferson Beauregard Sessions the 3rd…looking and sounding like he time-traveled from the 1920s. All he’s missing is a straw boater and detachable collar. A guy who thinks his duty is to defend America from…marijuana. Heck, when it comes to pot, he’s as stubborn as a mule with two asses.

Aside from his reefer madness, he’s also ticked off that a federal judge in Hawaii is interfering with the President’s clear “statutory and Constitutional power”, in this case, Trump’s travel order.

I feel you, Beauregard. That Ninth Circuit’s got me madder than a wet hen.

But it’s how he said it—yet another self-inflicted wound, yet another orgy of indignation, yet another public stoning in 3…2…1…

Said Beauregard: “I really am amazed that a judge sitting on an island in the Pacific can issue an order that stops the President…”

“An island in the Pacific”. Like, Gilligan’s Island. Or Japan.

Hawaii,our 50th state, the one that gave us the single best TV police show in American history.

You can try and parse what Beauregard probably meant, but it sounds like he thinks Hawaii is only kind of a state. And that’s not going over well with Democrats. They’re hotter than a two-dollar pistol. And they’re fixin’ to jerk a knot in his ass. So, now he’s sweatin’ like a whore in church.

Of course, we’re supposed to forget all the Democratic chortling about Alaska in recent years because of you-know-who. Funny, I don’t recall anyone defending the honor of the 49th state.

I know, I know, Beauregard needs to hang tough against these tedious, partisan jackanapes.

But would it be asking too much to stop feeding them really obvious attack lines, like “an island in the Pacific”?

I guess I can wish in one hand and $hi^ in the other, then see which one fills up faster.

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