Planet Dumbass: An Open Letter To The Flat Earth Society.


“We are ants on a bowling ball, spinning ’round the sun.”

Bill Taylor, meteorologist, KENS5.

“We are stardust, we are golden, we are billion year old carbon,
and we got to get ourselves back to the garden.”

Crosby, Stills, Nash, & Young.


Dear People of the Flat Earth Society:

You guys are cute. And I get it. I really do.

The cool thing about conspiracies is that it affords the conspiracy theorist the big ol’ ego stroke of being the smartest dude in the room, even when you sound like a dumbass. After all, you get to be the guy who sees through the evil plot to kill Kennedy, or fake the moon landing, or contrive 9/11 with missiles made to look like airplanes. Jesus. You are That Freaking Smart.

The pesky thing about conspiracies, of course, is that they still have to make sense, which they very rarely do. And that’s where the dumbass part comes in.

Now, I’m not going to waste of a lot of space in this letter explaining why the earth isn’t flat. Any jerk weed can shove a pool cue in the ground and watch the shadow roll around the stick as we roll around the sun. Or buy a couple of pirate ships, hit the high seas, and send your buddy off in one direction, while you sit anchored, chugging rum, and watching him sail away with a pair of binoculars. Eventually, you won’t be able to see your buddy’s ship as it dips below the curvature of the earth. Well, maybe that second thing isn’t so easy to do. I don’t know the operating costs are of your average pirate ship these days. Suffice it to say that if you were Superman, and if Superman were a Flat Earther, all you’d have to do is chuck a baseball in any given direction, and wait for it to bop you on the back of the noggin. Of course, Superman is an alien from another planet, so it would be weird for him to be a flat…um…well, holy crap. I’m rambling. But you get the point.

Or maybe you don’t, and that’s why many of you feel “persecuted,” as The Denver Post described you in an article from July 7. According to The Post, you guys in Colorado have to meet in secret, and use “pseudonyms,” for fear of being called dumbasses by family, friends, and coworkers. Odd that folks would think of you as dumbasses, given your theories that the earth is really a pie plate sitting under a dome, and that all scientific observations beginning with, I assume, the Greeks of the 3rd Century BC, and continuing all the way into the era of the Hubble Telescope, the International Space Station, and the Hadron Collider, are fake.

I’m sure you are collectively mystified as to why the word “dumbass” would ever be attached to a movement that appears to be speed-walking Human Understanding back to the Middle Ages, as it posits a conspiracy that would require tens of thousands, if not millions, of people, over countless generations, including the families of every astronaut who has ever rocketed off into space or hopped down onto the surface of the moon, to keep a mutual secret that doesn’t seem to have much of a pay-off or even make any goddamned sense.

That’s the theory, right? That a shadowy society of dudes, down through the ages, have invented the Round Earth Trip to, like, get rich and stuff? Because, very obviously, if you wanna get rich and control people, the best way to do it is to convince the entire human race that the world isn’t flat. Because…that makes sense. Damn. Wish I’d have thought of it first. I’d be freaking rich right now, and living on Johnny Depp’s island. Then again, who’s got two-thousand years to kill just to make a few extra bucks? Wouldn’t it be easier to do a little Uber-driving at night?

Not really buying the persecution-thing, either. Being called an Ass Hat on Facebook or having to suffer the occasional eye-roll at the water cooler doesn’t quite rise to the level of persecution. Moreover, if you really want to understand what persecution is, check out the rather shitty lives of the early Round Earthers, like¬†Galileo, who was forced to recant his theories or face life in prison. A little under five-hundred years ago, daring to claim that a flat-ass earth was anything less than the center of God’s Creation would more than likely get your guts pulled out your butt with a long metal hook, while some toothless douchebag¬†sells rat-on-a-stick to a cheering crowd. Ouch. Now, that’s being persecuted.

As I mentioned earlier, I suspect most Flat Earthers are really just a bunch of lonely weirdos desperate for a reason to consider themselves either special or victimized, or both. Unfortunately, given the ridiculous nature of what you claim to believe, you’re probably going to have to learn to roll with being called dumbasses. I suspect fat Alex Jones will pass through the eye of a needle before you are able to convince any reasonable person you’re anything less, bless your hearts.

As for me, I’d like to personally thank you for all the great content you have been providing me with your calls and posts. Keep it up!

It sure as shit beats the other trending conspiracy theory, that Hillary Clinton lost the election because of the Russians. I wonder what shape she thinks the world is?

Jesus loves you and so do I,

rev s.






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