Sean Rima: Al Franken is gonna be just fine.

 

re-ptile

noun

1. A vertebrate animal of a class that includes snakes, lizards, crocodiles, turtles, and tortoises. They are distinguished by having a dry scaly skin and typically laying soft-shelled eggs on land.

 

Al Franken is a soulless lizard.

If ever than was any doubt as to his reptilian nature, he proved it today with his icky “resignation” on the Senate floor.

In fact, if the Senate was the movie “Dune,” one can imagine evil-looking interns in black trench coats mopping up the slick he left behind as he retreated back into the shadows of his chambers. Suffice it to say he probably doesn’t spend much of your money on Catastrophic Dismemberment Insurance, because if he loses an arm, the damn thing will just grow back after the next shedding. I’m sure the same could be said of his tongue, which has probably been bitten off more than a few times.

Moreover, I have no interest in reviewing or reliving his obnoxious rant in this blog, as that would be about as edifying as digging through a pile of Komodo dragon crap with a spork, looking for Cheerios. For those of you lucky enough to have missed it, I will provide a very brief synopsis of his main points, at least as brief as I can manage while still keeping down my chicken salad sandwich.

1. He’s resigning, but not now.

2. Channeling Alanis Morissette, he sees ‘irony’ in the fact that he is being forced to resign while Donald Trump and Roy Moore are not, but is oddly nose-blind to the big, steamy floater of irony that all three men, including himself, deny the accusations against them are true.

3. He was very ‘upset’ over the allegations, but still believes “all women deserve to be heard,” even, we must surmise, that uppity bitch in L.A. who apparently didn’t want his icky, lizard-tongue shoved down her throat.

4. He is ‘proud’ that he was able to use his ‘power’ as a Senator to be a “champion of women,” but had little to say about the ‘power’ he felt he had to mouth-kiss them and grab their asses.

5. It’s really hard to be a Senator, with many “long hours and late nights” during the average 133 days a year they actually have to go to work, for which they earn $174,000.00 of your money annually.

6. He’s “going to be just fine.”

That was about it. Brphh. Sorry, just swallowed some barf.

The barfiest part was the last part, of course, because it’s always a little nauseating to hear someone assure you they’re “going to be just fine” when you really couldn’t give half a fart in a vacuum if they’re going to be fine or not. Seriously. Al. Baby. On behalf of everyone, we truly don’t give a shit.

So, what’s the lesson to be learned here? What’s the teachable moment?

Surprise, folks. There isn’t one.

Unless, prior to today, you were unaware of the sad fact that most of the people we elect to higher office are lower in character than a fire skink sucking down an earthworm under a rock, and then licking the slime from its lips with a long, blue tongue.

God Bless America,

rev s

 

 

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