Sean Rima: Biden’s final comments before going home for a nap.


You won’t see this on CNN, but these were Joe Biden’s final comments before taking a few weeks off from the campaign trail earlier today. The following transcript was taken from a brief press conference somewhere in Wilmington, Delaware, in the parking lot of an undisclosed Meat City location. The former vice president was responding to a question from an unnamed reporter with WGMD, in Rehoboth Beach.

REPORTER:  “Mr. Biden, you have said that you support slavery reparations. Can you elaborate on your plan for implementing these reparations?”

BIDEN: “Listen, I remember sitting on Air Force One with President Abraham Lincoln. We were friends. We both loved roller derby. I called him Abe, and he called me Joey Boy. That’s how close we were. And I remember him looking me straight in the eye beneath that big, crazy hat of his, and he asks me, he asks, ‘Joey Boy, what do you think about the speech?’ And I says, ‘Abe, that speech is gonna be a big f%*king deal, especially with colored folks in the south and maybe even a few rich gay guys back east.’ He was dumbstruck. He had no words. And that’s when I said, ‘Abe, you have got to put that speech in your hat. And keep it there until we land in Gettysburg.’ And that’s what the president did, because Joey Boy told him to do it. So, listen, man. Don’t lecture me on my civil rights record, you dig? I invented the word reparations. And if you don’t believe me, come at me. No, really. Come at me. See what happens. The last two sounds you’ll hear in this life will be the sound of me hitting you, and then the sound…of you…hitting something. Look, I think I’ve used up all my time here, and the rules matter. I’m gonna go get some shut-eye for a few months. See you in Okinawa! Which were going to win, by the way…”

With that, it is being reported the former vice president then asked one of his handlers for his sippy cup before getting into his black SUV, and driving away. This is satire.

Good luck, Joey Boy!

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