Sean Rima: Dogs Are Smarter Than Cats, My Ass.


Researchers from Vanderbilt University in Nashville released a study today claiming that dogs are smarter than cats. They say dogs have twice as many cortical neurons as do cats, which are the brain cells scientists believe to be associated with complex behaviors and thoughts.

I call bullcrap.

First off, I know plenty of people who probably have more cortical neurons than I do, as well as multiple college degrees, and yet they are barely capable of operating a gas pump or properly stacking a BLT. In fact, I have met a lot of college-educated morons over the years, including at least one news director who once wondered aloud who the Democrats were going to run against Obama for his second term. I don’t know how many cortical neurons she had firing at that moment, but she did have a degree from U.T.

As for dogs being smarter than cats, I can only speak from my own experiences with both creatures.

For the past five years, my wife and I have been building a small petting zoo in our apartment. This would explain the bales of hay in our kitchen, which are for the two alpacas we’re having shipped in from southern Ecuador. For the moment, we have three alley cats and one Chihuahua-Dingo mix named Foxy.

Over the years, I can tell you that I have personally observed all three cats, at one point or another, successfully open a locked door, feed themselves by locating a hidden bag of Friskies Party Mix that my wife thought would be safe in three Tupperware containers shoved beneath a box of laundry detergent, and, despite the laws of physics, routinely extract entire bags of garbage from the space beneath yet another locked door, this one to the utility closet. Moreover, in Colorado, I once owned two sister cats named Eva and Zsa-Zsa. After going several days without cleaning their litter box, I came home one night to find a single, pristine cat turd placed carefully in the center of my pillow. There were at least nine pillows on the bed beyond my own. It was a message. To me. They must have had a secret cat meeting to figure out who would leave the turd. Needless to say, I cleaned the damned litter box.

Conversely, my dog Foxy is dumber than a box of staples.

That little bitch couldn’t find her way out of an empty refrigerator box tipped over on its side. I know. I’ve seen it. I’ve watched.

And no matter how hard we attempt to train her not to crap on the living room floor, she craps on the living room floor. I swear to Jesus and all that’s holy, I could walk Foxy to Kerrville and back, and as soon as she got inside the apartment, she would still crap on the living room floor. And she knows it’s wrong! Which is why she slinks away in shame like Matt Lauer clearing out his desk whenever we get home and see the crap.

Suffice it to say, I don’t know what they’re drinking over at Vanderbilt University, but I’m not buying this nonsense about dogs being smarter than cats.

I could say more, but one of the cats is texting me about empty water bowls.

Jesus loves you and so do I,

rev s




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